6:21 a.m. - 2007-09-28
Kid, don't quit your day job...
I've been going through a lot of my older entries and i realized something... i always promise to learn and grow from my other entries... and in some ways i did, but in others i realized I'm still the same schmuck I've always been, to lazy and prideful to change no matter the circumstance. Well bollacks to me. I've lost a life to to waiting and whining. i guess I've always expected the world to just turn over and give it up... that doesn't happen...you aren't special.. you aren't some beautiful unique flower...snowflake.. *insert random Fight Club reference here*.
The world is made up of fuck heads and assholes... users, abusers, quantum physicists,romantics, egotists, pre-madonnas, wastes-of-space, geeks, and vegans. The question is which two are you... everyone fits into at least two of those at any point in their life.
Hunter s. Thompson once said that the 60's were like a wave.. it crested a rolled back on itself, and if you saw it a certain perspective.. you could see it happen. i think everyone goes through that. You can look back at you life and see where it all went wrong or it all peaked... and then you can see where tide crashed and took you under. most people see this at a later date.. but i've had nothing better to do and i've been reading my old journals... so for me.. if you decided to read the older entries... you can see i made of my self a tsunami.... and when i crashed upon myself... i obliterated many connections, supports and load bearing friendships in my life, because i only thought of myself...come hell or high water... I was the only important thing...me and my "tragic" existence... and i am a broken and lonely man for it. I realize now when i returned back home from Florida i was 'way too intense and excited about being back home... i was trying to crush a few months away and the experiences i had into a few moments.... i now really dislike people of this magnitude and and can look back and see what a deusch bag i was. But then again as i have always seen in my life Hind-sight has always been a perfect 20/20 for me.
so here i am again with a fresh start.. i have for the first time in my life a clarity that i am and can be a huge Ass-hole and a deusch bag and i have a beautiful woman that i have to say a heartfelt sorry to at least twice a week, but she love me and in her own way understands me, and gives me everything i deserve when i fuck up....God love her. Heaven help me.. i'm trying to be a good man these days... lets hope i stay this way.
"Shape Of My Heart"
He deals the cards as a meditation
And those he plays never suspect
He doesn't play for the money he wins
He doesn't play for the respect
He deals the cards to find the answer
The sacred geometry of chance
The hidden law of probable outcome
The numbers lead a dance
I know that the spades are the swords of a soldier
I know that the clubs are weapons of war
I know that diamonds mean money for this art
But that's not the shape of my heart
He may play the jack of diamonds
He may lay the queen of spades
He may conceal a king in his hand
While the memory of it fades
I know that the spades are the swords of a soldier
I know that the clubs are weapons of war
I know that diamonds mean money for this art
But that's not the shape of my heart
That's not the shape, the shape of my heart
And if I told you that I loved you
You'd maybe think there's something wrong
I'm not a man of too many faces
The mask I wear is one
Those who speak know nothing
And find out to their cost
Like those who curse their luck in too many places
And those who fear are lost
I know that the spades are the swords of a soldier
I know that the clubs are weapons of war
I know that diamonds mean money for this art
But that's not the shape of my heart
That's not the shape of my heart
-Sting
